The Year of Amira

Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts

my cats, Duchess & Belle / the mummy and baby duo

Hello lovies! Welcome back to my blog.

I didn't really think of any particular topic to write about and decide well I'll just write anyway. For the past couple of weeks I haven't been feeling good. My anxiety levels were slowly rising day-by-day, depression was creeping back up and I just knew that I will have a breakdown one of these days. That day, was yesterday.

It started off as a good day. Woke up early, prepped myself up, did my makeup pretty good and did what I had to do. Went to 2 different places that were an hour long drive to each destination and by 1 pm was back in the city picking up my younger siblings and then went grocery shopping and by 3 pm, I was back home done with my day. At least that's what I thought anyway.

So proud of this neutral makeup look.
snapchat: amira.saadiah

Like I said, was a really normal day but I didn't really get my head to think properly. I was doing things and feeling good but at the same time I felt like my brain and body weren't cooperating and my actions, feelings and brain weren't connecting. I know this all sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but it's true and I've been going through with this unexplainable 'thing' for the past 5 years now. (maybe even more I don't think I'll ever be 100% sure).

So, I ended up panicking for no reason and could not stay still. For the first time in two years. Suddenly I was 15 again and itching for something that would calm my brain down and help me feel less jittery. Thank God I didn't find anything in that short search of blades Alhamdulillah, but I was still very shaky and could not stop the tears from falling.

I got up and painted, with my fingers cause I needed my hands to be busy doing something. That helped a little bit but not as much as I had hoped it would. Then I also tried doing makeup cause I found out that it's kind of calming and settling. That helped too but again, not much. I ended up sleeping after that. (which was only 8 pm)

by Amira Saadiah

Follow me on instagram: fdsamira

I knew very well that I had friends that I could have called and talked to, but I knew that the only thing that would really actually help me was a hug and they couldn't do that over the phone so I didn't even bother. I only told my friend, Miss Ceyda Dilek aka one of the greatest people I know, today about what happened.

But coincidentally, Kandee Johnson uploaded a video on her channel that was her telling us that it will be fine and that whatever is happening right now will end and what I'm feeling will end. Everything is going to be okay, and to just push through the hard times to get to the good time. That is life. Thanks +Kandee Johnson, for making that impromptu video. It helped me so much, I cried and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Especially yesterday. I love watching her videos. It's always so upbeat and positive and just, She's amazing and such a wonderful person. I love her, so watch her videos!!

I don't really know what the point of this post is, I just felt like writing something now that my head is a tiny bit clearer than it was. I guess, no one will ever get to properly get away from the bad but that should never stop you from fighting and keep doing your best everyday. Just remember that no one is perfect and that life sucks sometimes but that's okay! It's the only life you've got, go through the bad and appreciate the good even more. Alright goodnight lovies and keep on doing you!

From time to time someone will say or do something that gets me thinking and when I get my brain working, ideas spread like wildfire.

The other day a classmate of mine, a guy that I regularly hang out with, said "If I had that powder that could make people unaware.... I would have so much fun!" and at the time we were talking about girls... Basically, he said he wanted to rape. WHICH IS SO DISGUSTING and even though right after I told him straight up that what he was thinking of doing is rape he said that it wasn't BECAUSE AND THIS IS THE WORST PART he's a nice guy and doesn't rape. ALRIGHT. STOP RIGHT THERE BUDDY. You are NOT a NICE guy if you were thinking of making a girl unconcious for your own pleasure. What happened next was, I told the schools counsellor what happened and he got in trouble. What happened that day got me thinking on how many people in this world are unaware of how wrong they are being and how far back their mindset is, especially in my country.

Another thing that happened was yesterday was a class party day, technically it was only half a day because before break we had normal classes. Imagine tables being organised in rows with food on the tables, my history teacher came into class and started scolding us cause she wanted the food to be organised neatly in the table at the corner. Now, since the boys were closer they moved to move the food which is what people should do, you do the thing because you are closer.

It's exactly like turning off the light in the room, whoever is nearest or the last one in the room, closes the damn lights, but my teacher got angry because, and I quote, "Girls! Why aren't you moving? The girls are supposed to clean the class, not the boys, how lazy of you" (Excuse my english, it isn't my first language and it's hard translating actual dialogues that happened) and that irritated me. WHY DID SHE SAY THAT??

Why were the GIRLS being lazy just because we didn't move the food from one table to another, when in reality we were literally cleaning the class at the exact same time. Yes, my history teacher is a lady. It bothers me so much that girls are looked down upon and put on a level so low and expected to do all the cleaning, but when boys do it, its a "wonderful surprise" and very "sweet of them" to help around from time to time. No. Girls shouldn't be expected to only clean and it shouldn't be a wonderful surprise when boys do the cleaning. You're probably wondering "well if the girls moved the food first my teacher would probably have scolded them and called them lazy too", and the answer is no. They would not have gotten scolded, my teacher would be there standing in front of the class while the girls did everything and the boys in their seats.

When will this end? When will boys stop thinking of these disgusting, horrible situations and actually try to do them but say what they're doing isn't bad because they are 'good guys'? When will people stop telling ONLY girls to clean up everything when boys could do it too? When will it be okay for me to speak up on my opinions without feeling anxious on what people, especially my friends and family, would say? Because, it should be now.

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Conflicted.